Tag Archives: shit

Haribo Sweets they’re Shit!

4 Nov

Halal Wummis - Kosher Kandy

Years ago you could get a quality sweet from your local store. It would probably have been manufactured by a local company, offering all the old faves: Lemon Drops, Barley Twists, Mint Imperials, Peanut Brittle, Chocolate Limes, Cough Candy, Toffees and Flying Saucers. They were hanging on to old traditions of teeth destroying confectionary creation par excellence when a crummy European upstart invaded their turf, took their towns, stole their stores and swarmed into their shops and somehow no one saw it coming, that company was – HARIBO.

Haribo Supergloboworlddom Ltd.

You only have to look at their website to realise that they’ve pretty much got sweeties sewn up Europe and USA wide with the site being offered in 22 different languages, …. that’s some pretty heavy sweet candy’assed action.

Read what they have to say about their own operation:

In addition to five production works in Germany, today HARIBO has 13 other factories in Europe. There are also sales offices in almost every European country and in the USA.

‘Borders do not Hem in Haribo products’, that’s a bit aggressive isn’t it?

Borders do not hem in HARIBO products. Nowadays they enjoy growing popularity throughout the world. HARIBO currently exports to more than 105 countries all over the globe. Whether you’re in the Falkland Islands or the Philippines, the HARIBO products like Goldbears & Liquorice Wheels are loved by kids and grown-ups in most of the world.

Pocket Money

I think most 30-80 year old somethings in the UK have counted our pocket-money on a Friday or Saturday morning as we walked to the corner shop for some serious sugar addicts hyper buzz tongue and tooth trashing sherbet, or some lung saving broken sweet cigarettes.

Where have the real sweets gone?

Gone but not forgotten

The real sweets have gone the way of a good deal else that was once wonderful and of quality character that England had to offer; namely down the crapper as cheap mass-produced tasteless plastic crap made in some far away European state out of a Chemical plant’s left over potato starch and petroleum bi-produced effluent invaded our sacred and spiritually significant high altars to indulgence, the sweet shops and corner shops of jolly England.

How and Why?

It’s simple, the answer is –  money, gravy, greenbacks, the mighty moolah. This tasteless shite is quite simply cheaper to buy than our old traditional local or nationally made sweet. The old stalwarts of the sweet shop, Mrs Miggins or old Mr Jacobson have long gone and frankly these days new owners just don’t seem to care about a quality sweet and little Jimmy’s happiness. They’re probably making too much money out of ‘the kids’ on fags and the cheap cider they stock. Or perhaps there are just bigger money spinners to be had from offering another shelf of Porn, rather than the bulky sweet jars that once took the place of Asian Babes magazine.

Let’s face it, they taste shit

Of course Haribo offers a number of interesting an innovative products, like Halal Wummis and Gold Bears and Haribo’s Slovenian Capsulas. But let’s face it, next to real sweets they’re tasteless rubbish, bland and boring, they’re chewy, but not in a good way, more in a ‘is this actually rubber’ way. And they don’t do the basic standard stuff well either. Compare their Licorice and their Marshmallows to other better known brands like Bassetts and you will immediately know that corners are being cut and that the English palette isn’t being catered for.

Somewhere along the line the Belgian taste for a milder marshmallow got in the way of our own nations enjoyment. Why? Because you can’t be all things to all people and because today, in the present, Haribo is about all you can get; it’s everywhere and it’s not worth a jot. Haribo is trying to satisfy too large a sweet munching community and has lost track of the quirky local, or even national market. These guys are focussed on world domination, not on the individually styled taste buds of South East England, or North Yorkshire. It’s obvious, another man’s sweet is another man’s poison, bring back the local sweet maker, catering for local sweet tooth’s and local tastes.

You can get it if you really want…

You can still get a traditional sweet, but you have to travel to some epicentre of tourism and go through the ignominy of purchasing at a ‘destination’ sweet shop. Somewhere that offers floor to ceiling nostalgia and charges for it too!

No longer are sweet jars lining the shelves of British culture as an ongoing, living and growing cultural concern, instead they have been confined to the dusty shelf of ‘Heritage’. England is great at preserving heritage, it just isn’t so great at realising what it’s got when it’s actually got it.

Invasion

Perhaps we could have kept our wonderful sweets if we had only realised that Germany was invading again, this time in little garish packets of tasteless confectionary.

DOGS and SHIT

16 Oct

Do you own a Dog?

If you do, then do you follow it around with a pocket full of plastic bags and a  little trowel, or do you use the direct inverse bag to shit – pick it up with your very own hand method? And have you ever stopped to think – ‘What the fucking hell am I doing, picking up another animal’s shit while it’s still warm?’

You Dumbass

If you haven’t then you’re stupid and if you have then you’re also stupid. Because let’s face it, you’re either dumb for not ever having considered it, or really dumb for actually doing it. I mean imagine debasing yourself in front of the world for an animal that lives with you does nothing but eat you out of house and home and shit all over the place.

As Buzz Lightyear once said, and I quote – ‘Little man, you have my pity’.

Do you think we ought to be expected to watch it Shit?

You quite obviously do, frequently displaying your dog mid path, verge, pavement or park as it squats and strains while those around you fight back the gag reflex. What has ever given you, the dog’s owner the idea that we non dog slaves want to see that, that the rest of the non dog-owning public actually want to witness your dog straining away with shit dropping from its arse?

What is it that makes you think I want to see this?

Did you ask permission to display your squatting hound outside my house while it defiles the grass that my son walks on each day? Nope, you certainly didn’t. So why don’t you and your dog just fuck off?

I’ll tell you why. You don’t do the honourable thing, because you, the dog’s owner is just as much happily and thoughtlessly shitting on me and mine as your dog is. And I despise you for it, you inconsiderate self-centred idiots.

Where it shits and where you let it shit.

The worse thing is, not content with being a dumb moron yourself you have to include all of us non dog peons in your dumbass shenanigans by allowing your dog to frequently escape your shit collecting stupidity to dump in places that I want to walk and that, more importantly, my son wants to walk.

Places like outside my house, in his playground, in the park and on the footpaths that we walk on.

That moment when you first catch a whiff.

The following actually happened to me this Summer.

Imagine – You’re out for a nice walk with your son, he’s just three, can’t walk for too long without getting tired, falls down a lot, he’s been a bit moody today, he’s tired and so are you, he got you up at 5am.

Turd Kicking contest at 12, bring the kids.

Though you’re exhausted, to entertain him you go out to a local wood, where because it’s a hot Summer’s day you remove your T-shirt exposing your ‘I’ve lived in a cave for three thousand years’ albino blanched white flab. He gets tired, you’re a mile from the car, you pick him up and give him a shoulder ride, minutes later you catch a whiff…..

The unmistakable reek of DOG SHIT hits you and on looking down you realise in one very nasty moment that the excrement that must have been previously adhered to his boots is now smeared all over your chest, intermingling with sweat and your chest hair. It’s a mile to the car, 10 miles home, and all you have is baby wet wipes, and they’re in the fucking car.

The Vietnamese, Koreans, Chinese all got it right

Dog meat is eaten in a variety of countries such as China and Vietnam. I’m wondering if they got fed up with the smell and thought they’d get rid of famine and dog shit in one frankly stunningly intelligent move.

To be brutally honest given their lead I’ve been thinking about taking up dog eating as a way to get my own back, but wait, wait a second, it’s not the dog’s fault really is it? NO it’s yours, you the dog owner.

A Warning to you

You the owners of dogs are to blame, you inconsiderate sods, and I think I’ve got the answer, with a little lateral thinking based on the Far Eastern model highlighted above…..

Look out of your window, am I standing there?

If you’ve ever let your pooch take a dump anywhere in the South East of England without cleaning it up and one night you see a strange ghostly figure hanging about smiling intentionally holding a machete and with a napkin stuffed in his collar, perhaps just shortly before you take ‘Trigger’ or ‘Cadbury’ for a walk, be afraid, be very afraid. I won’t be after Man’s best friend, I’ll be after man’s best friend’s best friend – YOU.

Alternatively, you may one day look out of your lace curtains to see a fat fully grown man, trousers around his ankles merrily shitting all over your children!

I know that sounds truly awful doesn’t it, but think for a moment, frankly speaking the person who let his hound shit in the woods where my son and I got covered did what amounted to being precisely the same thing.

HOW TRULY DISGUSTING IS THAT?

Poo, it's no Joke!!!

POSTSCRIPT

Shortly after completing this piece I was visiting a few dog related message boards when I spotted this reply to someone’s query about ‘itchy dog ass’ and tummy upsets in the family and potential transferability to humans, I include it here as a warning to all.

There are many diseases animals have that can be passed to humans and vice versa.
Not sure about “tummy upset”.
Itchy bottoms can be caused by impacted anal glands (these are on each side of the anus and excret a fluid to aid with pooping, some dogs need to have them manaully expelled.)
Aother cause is tapworms. These look like pieces of rice in the dogs stool. The worms come out at night and lay eggs around the anus opening, thus causing the itching.
Tap worm can be passed onto humans.
If you are concerned talk to your family dr., get your dog to a groomer for anal glands or you can do it yourself. Use a pair of rubber gloves and press/squeeze on the sides of the anus opening. If you do it correctly a thick brown foul smelling fluid will come out.

It’s just shows you…. wonders never cease, not content with carrying around tepid dog shit, humans are squeezing foul smelling liquid out of dog’s asses too.

%d bloggers like this: