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Fat Bastards – Everyone’s getting fat, have you noticed?

3 Nov

Everyone’s getting fat, have you noticed?

Have you noticed the incidence of fat people and the related complaints of shelf butt, gargantuan gut and chafing thighs increase exponentially in the last few years? If you haven’t are you blind?

In the last 5 years or so people in the UK have been growing, and not upwards,… actually they’ve been taking off sideways. Of course there’s been a superior level of fat hanging off the limbs of North Americans for over 3 decades, but finally the fatty epidemic has reached Britain’s shores.

Blame the Yanks – The Yanks blame TV…

The Americans have long blamed their lazy sedentary lifestyles for their superior lard’ass’d’ness. Typically, instead of getting off the couch and getting some exercise they’ve sought to shelve guilt and self loathing by exporting their fast food drive everywhere sit and eat and watch the box culture overseas. Perhaps this has been done in a desperate attempt to not to look so damn fat when they come over here to see Tralfalger Squar and Lessester Shire when they stand next to an English person, or at least this WAS the case, all that’s changed now.

Why is it that we are asked to be polite about fat people?

I’m not about to be rude about people who have a genuine weight problem, caused for example by something metabolic, diabetes, family history etc., and I’m not here to be ‘weightest’ or add to the pressure of society’s requirement that we all have some rake thin fashionista’s concept of the perfect body; I am here though to leave my worries over political correctness and judgmentalism aside and say forthrightly to those fat people out there that are only fat because they eat lard burgers, chicken grease buckets, heart doner kebaps, fat baps and do nothing but sit and text, sit and surf, sit and game and sit and shit, that they really ought to sort it out before we all suffocate under a flap of their wayward flab.

The Gym is just another excuse, not a cure.

People spend countless millions every year on diet supplements, consultations with medical practitioners, books on dieting and the latest fad foods, all in an attempt to avoid the truth and that is: You have to expend some energy, burn some calories by going and getting some fucking excercise.

I know it’s not the news you wanted to hear, because you’re a lazy bastard, like me, but you really do need to put down the joystick, the burger or the latest copy of Hello magazine and get out for a walk. NO you don’t need to go to an expensive Gym, no you don’t need any further excuses, places to spend your money, ways to conveniently fail; you just need to get some balls and go cycling or walking. Hell if you’re too fat to walk, then garden from the relaxed leather and chrome ambience of your mobility scooter. It’s time to stop bullshitting yourself, no one is going to help you, there is no lazy ass’d way out, no excuses, no one you can pay to take away the effort involved in getting healthy.

Parents your kids are FAT

I’m certainly noticing more and more fat kids around, but, their parents must be fucking blind; because their kids are wobbling alongside their Manatee like parents at Asda (particularly) and at Tescos (to a lesser extent), and when you slyly view the contents of the family’s shopping trolly it’s no surprise. It’s full of shit. No vegetables, lots of convenience food, lots of sugar, lots of fat.

Surely a fat Dad should be able to easily recognise a fat son, and realising that he was still thin at 14 take note and make plans to decrease his son’s size pre independence in an attempt to stave off early death for his younger loved one.

Right I’m off for a Pepsi

Right I’m off for a soft drink and a handful of lard…. all this writing is exhausting.

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