Tag Archives: children

Haribo Sweets they’re Shit!

4 Nov

Halal Wummis - Kosher Kandy

Years ago you could get a quality sweet from your local store. It would probably have been manufactured by a local company, offering all the old faves: Lemon Drops, Barley Twists, Mint Imperials, Peanut Brittle, Chocolate Limes, Cough Candy, Toffees and Flying Saucers. They were hanging on to old traditions of teeth destroying confectionary creation par excellence when a crummy European upstart invaded their turf, took their towns, stole their stores and swarmed into their shops and somehow no one saw it coming, that company was – HARIBO.

Haribo Supergloboworlddom Ltd.

You only have to look at their website to realise that they’ve pretty much got sweeties sewn up Europe and USA wide with the site being offered in 22 different languages, …. that’s some pretty heavy sweet candy’assed action.

Read what they have to say about their own operation:

In addition to five production works in Germany, today HARIBO has 13 other factories in Europe. There are also sales offices in almost every European country and in the USA.

‘Borders do not Hem in Haribo products’, that’s a bit aggressive isn’t it?

Borders do not hem in HARIBO products. Nowadays they enjoy growing popularity throughout the world. HARIBO currently exports to more than 105 countries all over the globe. Whether you’re in the Falkland Islands or the Philippines, the HARIBO products like Goldbears & Liquorice Wheels are loved by kids and grown-ups in most of the world.

Pocket Money

I think most 30-80 year old somethings in the UK have counted our pocket-money on a Friday or Saturday morning as we walked to the corner shop for some serious sugar addicts hyper buzz tongue and tooth trashing sherbet, or some lung saving broken sweet cigarettes.

Where have the real sweets gone?

Gone but not forgotten

The real sweets have gone the way of a good deal else that was once wonderful and of quality character that England had to offer; namely down the crapper as cheap mass-produced tasteless plastic crap made in some far away European state out of a Chemical plant’s left over potato starch and petroleum bi-produced effluent invaded our sacred and spiritually significant high altars to indulgence, the sweet shops and corner shops of jolly England.

How and Why?

It’s simple, the answer is –  money, gravy, greenbacks, the mighty moolah. This tasteless shite is quite simply cheaper to buy than our old traditional local or nationally made sweet. The old stalwarts of the sweet shop, Mrs Miggins or old Mr Jacobson have long gone and frankly these days new owners just don’t seem to care about a quality sweet and little Jimmy’s happiness. They’re probably making too much money out of ‘the kids’ on fags and the cheap cider they stock. Or perhaps there are just bigger money spinners to be had from offering another shelf of Porn, rather than the bulky sweet jars that once took the place of Asian Babes magazine.

Let’s face it, they taste shit

Of course Haribo offers a number of interesting an innovative products, like Halal Wummis and Gold Bears and Haribo’s Slovenian Capsulas. But let’s face it, next to real sweets they’re tasteless rubbish, bland and boring, they’re chewy, but not in a good way, more in a ‘is this actually rubber’ way. And they don’t do the basic standard stuff well either. Compare their Licorice and their Marshmallows to other better known brands like Bassetts and you will immediately know that corners are being cut and that the English palette isn’t being catered for.

Somewhere along the line the Belgian taste for a milder marshmallow got in the way of our own nations enjoyment. Why? Because you can’t be all things to all people and because today, in the present, Haribo is about all you can get; it’s everywhere and it’s not worth a jot. Haribo is trying to satisfy too large a sweet munching community and has lost track of the quirky local, or even national market. These guys are focussed on world domination, not on the individually styled taste buds of South East England, or North Yorkshire. It’s obvious, another man’s sweet is another man’s poison, bring back the local sweet maker, catering for local sweet tooth’s and local tastes.

You can get it if you really want…

You can still get a traditional sweet, but you have to travel to some epicentre of tourism and go through the ignominy of purchasing at a ‘destination’ sweet shop. Somewhere that offers floor to ceiling nostalgia and charges for it too!

No longer are sweet jars lining the shelves of British culture as an ongoing, living and growing cultural concern, instead they have been confined to the dusty shelf of ‘Heritage’. England is great at preserving heritage, it just isn’t so great at realising what it’s got when it’s actually got it.

Invasion

Perhaps we could have kept our wonderful sweets if we had only realised that Germany was invading again, this time in little garish packets of tasteless confectionary.

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Fat Bastards – Everyone’s getting fat, have you noticed?

3 Nov

Everyone’s getting fat, have you noticed?

Have you noticed the incidence of fat people and the related complaints of shelf butt, gargantuan gut and chafing thighs increase exponentially in the last few years? If you haven’t are you blind?

In the last 5 years or so people in the UK have been growing, and not upwards,… actually they’ve been taking off sideways. Of course there’s been a superior level of fat hanging off the limbs of North Americans for over 3 decades, but finally the fatty epidemic has reached Britain’s shores.

Blame the Yanks – The Yanks blame TV…

The Americans have long blamed their lazy sedentary lifestyles for their superior lard’ass’d’ness. Typically, instead of getting off the couch and getting some exercise they’ve sought to shelve guilt and self loathing by exporting their fast food drive everywhere sit and eat and watch the box culture overseas. Perhaps this has been done in a desperate attempt to not to look so damn fat when they come over here to see Tralfalger Squar and Lessester Shire when they stand next to an English person, or at least this WAS the case, all that’s changed now.

Why is it that we are asked to be polite about fat people?

I’m not about to be rude about people who have a genuine weight problem, caused for example by something metabolic, diabetes, family history etc., and I’m not here to be ‘weightest’ or add to the pressure of society’s requirement that we all have some rake thin fashionista’s concept of the perfect body; I am here though to leave my worries over political correctness and judgmentalism aside and say forthrightly to those fat people out there that are only fat because they eat lard burgers, chicken grease buckets, heart doner kebaps, fat baps and do nothing but sit and text, sit and surf, sit and game and sit and shit, that they really ought to sort it out before we all suffocate under a flap of their wayward flab.

The Gym is just another excuse, not a cure.

People spend countless millions every year on diet supplements, consultations with medical practitioners, books on dieting and the latest fad foods, all in an attempt to avoid the truth and that is: You have to expend some energy, burn some calories by going and getting some fucking excercise.

I know it’s not the news you wanted to hear, because you’re a lazy bastard, like me, but you really do need to put down the joystick, the burger or the latest copy of Hello magazine and get out for a walk. NO you don’t need to go to an expensive Gym, no you don’t need any further excuses, places to spend your money, ways to conveniently fail; you just need to get some balls and go cycling or walking. Hell if you’re too fat to walk, then garden from the relaxed leather and chrome ambience of your mobility scooter. It’s time to stop bullshitting yourself, no one is going to help you, there is no lazy ass’d way out, no excuses, no one you can pay to take away the effort involved in getting healthy.

Parents your kids are FAT

I’m certainly noticing more and more fat kids around, but, their parents must be fucking blind; because their kids are wobbling alongside their Manatee like parents at Asda (particularly) and at Tescos (to a lesser extent), and when you slyly view the contents of the family’s shopping trolly it’s no surprise. It’s full of shit. No vegetables, lots of convenience food, lots of sugar, lots of fat.

Surely a fat Dad should be able to easily recognise a fat son, and realising that he was still thin at 14 take note and make plans to decrease his son’s size pre independence in an attempt to stave off early death for his younger loved one.

Right I’m off for a Pepsi

Right I’m off for a soft drink and a handful of lard…. all this writing is exhausting.

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