Dumbass Teen Boys Hair Styles

27 Oct

What the hell has happened to the teenage brain…?

In the last few years boys hair styles have turned into an outlandish homage to stupidity. They look as if they’ve just come out of a wind test tunnel or a fight with Henry the Hoover, or an hour’s session trying to get their hip hop boddy popping street dance credibility tokens spinning around on their heads in one direction. And the thing (hair?) on their heads, all twisty directional silliness aside is just so BIG. It’s like some hairy Venusian alien creature has invaded the earth and has quietly camouflaged itself by sitting on boys heads while feeding on their copious greases and earwax!

Word Up.

I don't know why I'm smiling there's a rare Marsupial curled up on my head and it's just about to shit in my ear, get it off, get it off!

What the hell? Who told them that this was a good idea?

I know I know, I’m 43 years of age and what do I know, it was the same in my Grandfather’s day, he couldn’t understand why any self-respecting human would want to look like a Beatle or have a big bushy beard in the late 1960s; maybe I’m just suffering from irascible old bastards disease. But surely this has gone too far, surely things have just got a little bit too silly here?

I wouldn’t mind the hair if it wasn’t for the muffled effect it has on teenage boys voices.

Almost every time I speak to one of these mop top toting chaps most of what I get back is sub sonic muffled murmurings. I often ask myself ‘is there someone in there’, ‘does it have a personality’, ‘will it stake a claim’, ‘attach itself to any political ideals’, or is it destined to spend its life mumbling ‘whatever’ and ‘like’ to an encore of totally apathy.

Whatever – the Teen art of communication

To my mind the haircuts are another expression of something I see daily, teens hiding under hoodies, behind long floppy fringes all seem to be hiding their wonderful light away from the world; is it embarrassment, or are they so bullied by the world that they’ll not associate themselves with anything for fear of looking uncool to their peers? God only knows. They’re not communicating and this is something all teens in previous generations at least, regardless of hair style, did do. They were interested in politics, culture, art, and they would nail their colours to the post. In fact it was often cool to do so, I don’t see that happening nearly as much anymore.

Mobile Phones, communication breakdown

In this modern age of communication where we can be plugged into the information super highway 24 hours a day worldwide exchanging information and conversation at the speed of light it is remarkable to me how little REAL communication is actually going on, and Mobile phones to my mind are one of the worst causes of lack of communication. And of course as communication avoiders, today’s teens are heavy mobile addicts. No need to have a face to face conversation that may take a certain level of real emotional connection whn u cn tlk abt stuff by txt.

People and not just hirsute teenagers spend so much of their time buried in their phone’s pissy little screens watching pointless crap that they never seem to stop, look up, and talk to that person sitting opposite them, the interesting African guy, or the old lady, or the bald 43-year-old that doesn’t have a phone and can’t wait to get home and rant about how awful so much of his world is…

I like teenagers and I miss them.

Hands Free, nice....

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Don’t Phone Me I’ll Phone You

21 Oct

Here to ask the question, why should we have to suffer cold calls using our own phone lines?

Telecoms, the Mickey Mouse Operators!

Why the hell should you and I be expected to run to the phone every 5 minutes in order that some desk hugging word gargling call centre operative can try to sell us funeral cover, windows, cheap mobile phone contracts, gas, electricity and a whole host of other products and services. And why do we say politely ‘no thank you’ and put the phone down for the umpteenth time having had our time wasted by these bastards, without getting angry enough to tell them to ‘Fuck Off and Die’?

They rely on our good nature

I’ll tell you why, yet again we, the general average approximate public are more polite than they, the not too well-defined, out of focus but they’re out there everywhere ‘inconsiderate bastards’, (remember the owners of shitting dogs topic / see below?) and for some reason we refrain from telling them to go get a pineapple and shove it up their salesman’s portfolio alongside the tonne of bullshit already residing in their lower bowells.

And we pay for the privilege of being hassled!

And here’s the biggy, we pay the line rental on the very thing that they utilise in order that they may invade our homes with their sales pitch. It’s like we’ve bought a bucket, fixed it to the front door, someone unrelated to us (the buckets true owner) has written ‘TOILET – use Freely’ above it and now everyone is shitting in it.

AND we are asked to continue paying for providing this service that is nothing but an inconvenience to us.

Ring Ring

When Alexander Grahame Bell invented the phone, I’m sure he did it for our convenience and not for the convenience of companies who want to sell to us and at the same time annoy the crap out of us, and terrify old ladies, getting decrepit old folks out of their chairs to answer the phone to someone in Bombay (sorry Mumbai) who wants to sell them a load of old shite they don’t require in an accent that sounds like an alien from Venus with a mouthful of an whole bar of Cadburys Dairy Milk about to go chinward..

X Directory – Do Telecoms pay us when they should?

If someone suggests you go X Directory in order that you avoid this situation, tell them that’s not the point, and it doesn’t guarantee avoidance of the situation, unscrupulous companies will still phone you once they have your details and will pass them around to each other for a fee….. the real point is that these companies pay the Telecoms providers for the opportunity to sell to us, often at greatly discounted rates to them for the large amounts of calls they make; and yet do the Telecoms companies pay us anything for the inconvenience?

Pay Me No Ring Me

Do they give us a reduced bill because the line rental we pay fully for is being utilised for this nefarious purpose. No they do not. And why not? Without our compliance in this dumbass game they wouldn’t have a service to sell. It is we the public that create this opportunity and the Telecoms companies and Sales companies that exploit it.

And we still politely say ‘No Thank You’ every time one of them rings.

What fools we are.


However it’s really easy to get rid of cold callers, my advice is – shout like a madman down the phone line calling them something truly obscene and put the phone down, works like a treat, until the next one.

Trying to apply for a Royal Post Office Job

19 Oct

Stupid Shit

I have been engaged in applying for a job delivering letters and parcels for the Royal Post Office here in the UK, the online process had taken me about 2 hours when I got to a section where I HAVE to take two tests within 48 hours before they will consider my application, I tried, they didn’t work, due almost definitely to lack of forward design in browser compatibility, I tried the latest versions of the three most popular browsers and nothing…Nada, fuck all but the subsequent baldness resultant of pulling all my remaining hair out.

Unemployed and looking for work, any work, even this!

The only thing making this service the ‘ROYAL’ Post Office is that it appears to have skill at high quality ROYAL fuck up creation, a skill of course for which the British are renowned, if not worldwide, then definitely within the confines of its own shores!

I HATE this sort of time-wasting shit, I just want to apply for a job and only need to talk to someone with half a fucking brain! It’d be way cheaper too if they considered employing someone to answer the phone instead of developing this sort of shitty online third-party software. Particularly if they paid them a similar wage to the one they propose giving me as a Postman. Dumbass shits.

Here’s the email I just sent them:

Dear Sirs,
Your online test process does not work and I cannot take the online test for sorting, having taken a good deal of time to apply and fill in the application form this is of the utmost frustration.
I am worried that my application will not be looked upon favourably (or at all) because of this situation. I am currently trying to apply for a position of casual postman at Blah Blah Blah in Blah Blah Town.
To begin with your test did NOT support a browser and version that it says it supports, and then when I changed to an alternative browser and it was supported and seemed to work while using the practice test it then refused to work when I came to do the actual test.
I really think you should let your service provider know this and get them to act quickly, it is of incredible frustration to have spent as long as I have applying only to have this happen, I have worked as a web designer and I know what I’m talking about.
Please please alert those that need to know that I would like to take the test, but having now tried three browsers all with up to date versions I am left unable to do so.
In your application form process you ask a question similar to this one ‘If you noted areas where improvements could be made, would you:
A – Keep quiet about them?
B – Write them on a pice of old paper and eat it? or
C – Tell your colleagues about it so efficiency could be improved?
I would answer C and so I’m telling you, politely, that your online application process, service and tests need improving.
In the meantime perhaps you could help me by telling someone at your end that I’m trying desperately to apply for this job?
Yours Sincerely,

ME

Further crappy service No1

It’s worth mentioning that I did get a reply to my email the following day, with…. urmmm, absolutely nothing in it, which was helpful! This now leaves less than 24 hours for them to sort out the problem and for me to take the test. Assholes.

Further crappy service No2

So the following morning hours before the deadline they finally send me an email which again tells me it’s down to me and not their online software… TWATS; the only thing of any use that they say is, ‘Try A Friends Computer’ to see if that works. I mean how low-fi is that for technical advice!!!

Anyway, so I do and so I finally finish a 3-4hour marathon of applying for a job that pays just over minimum wage for walking around in all weathers… I’m wondering who’s the biggest idiot Royal Mail or Me..?

Me quite obviously!

Because that wasn’t the end of the story.

I attended the job interview having successfully negotiated the application assault course (I’m determined that way) only to discover that the job was for 12 week short term contracts with NO guaranteed hours within that contract. They hadn’t been clear in their online job description.

The ‘Job’ (and I use that term as loosely as I can) basically amounted to – ‘we may call you to come in to work at anytime we please, maybe for an hour every three months, or maybe for 12 hours a day for three months, or maybe not at all, we just don’t know yet, we’ll have to wait and see, but you will be tied into this contract for at least 12 weeks.’

Are you guys fucking with me?!

I proffered the opinion that they weren’t offering me a whole hell of a lot for my effort (to date) and the loyalty they would then require within the 12 week contract and though my interviewer was pleasant enough I stated in as polite a way as possible that this whole situation was a fuckery beyond belief and left.

Finding work in 2010 is like being shit on, not pleasant (in case you were wondering)

When the government tells you that there are jobs out there to be had, they’re not lying, but when that job amounts to fuck all of fuck all for fuck all money, then pretty much, they are. The mealy mouthed sons of bitches. I don’t mind working, I like it in fact, but I’m not about to let some nob end of a concommoglobocorperation shag me in the arse as well as pay me minimum wage.

Employers Market

See as soon as the wheels of business that are turning are the buyers’ in the market they’ll shag the fuck out of you and expect you to smile about it. Bring on the revolution, that’s what I say.

DOGS and SHIT

16 Oct

Do you own a Dog?

If you do, then do you follow it around with a pocket full of plastic bags and a  little trowel, or do you use the direct inverse bag to shit – pick it up with your very own hand method? And have you ever stopped to think – ‘What the fucking hell am I doing, picking up another animal’s shit while it’s still warm?’

You Dumbass

If you haven’t then you’re stupid and if you have then you’re also stupid. Because let’s face it, you’re either dumb for not ever having considered it, or really dumb for actually doing it. I mean imagine debasing yourself in front of the world for an animal that lives with you does nothing but eat you out of house and home and shit all over the place.

As Buzz Lightyear once said, and I quote – ‘Little man, you have my pity’.

Do you think we ought to be expected to watch it Shit?

You quite obviously do, frequently displaying your dog mid path, verge, pavement or park as it squats and strains while those around you fight back the gag reflex. What has ever given you, the dog’s owner the idea that we non dog slaves want to see that, that the rest of the non dog-owning public actually want to witness your dog straining away with shit dropping from its arse?

What is it that makes you think I want to see this?

Did you ask permission to display your squatting hound outside my house while it defiles the grass that my son walks on each day? Nope, you certainly didn’t. So why don’t you and your dog just fuck off?

I’ll tell you why. You don’t do the honourable thing, because you, the dog’s owner is just as much happily and thoughtlessly shitting on me and mine as your dog is. And I despise you for it, you inconsiderate self-centred idiots.

Where it shits and where you let it shit.

The worse thing is, not content with being a dumb moron yourself you have to include all of us non dog peons in your dumbass shenanigans by allowing your dog to frequently escape your shit collecting stupidity to dump in places that I want to walk and that, more importantly, my son wants to walk.

Places like outside my house, in his playground, in the park and on the footpaths that we walk on.

That moment when you first catch a whiff.

The following actually happened to me this Summer.

Imagine – You’re out for a nice walk with your son, he’s just three, can’t walk for too long without getting tired, falls down a lot, he’s been a bit moody today, he’s tired and so are you, he got you up at 5am.

Turd Kicking contest at 12, bring the kids.

Though you’re exhausted, to entertain him you go out to a local wood, where because it’s a hot Summer’s day you remove your T-shirt exposing your ‘I’ve lived in a cave for three thousand years’ albino blanched white flab. He gets tired, you’re a mile from the car, you pick him up and give him a shoulder ride, minutes later you catch a whiff…..

The unmistakable reek of DOG SHIT hits you and on looking down you realise in one very nasty moment that the excrement that must have been previously adhered to his boots is now smeared all over your chest, intermingling with sweat and your chest hair. It’s a mile to the car, 10 miles home, and all you have is baby wet wipes, and they’re in the fucking car.

The Vietnamese, Koreans, Chinese all got it right

Dog meat is eaten in a variety of countries such as China and Vietnam. I’m wondering if they got fed up with the smell and thought they’d get rid of famine and dog shit in one frankly stunningly intelligent move.

To be brutally honest given their lead I’ve been thinking about taking up dog eating as a way to get my own back, but wait, wait a second, it’s not the dog’s fault really is it? NO it’s yours, you the dog owner.

A Warning to you

You the owners of dogs are to blame, you inconsiderate sods, and I think I’ve got the answer, with a little lateral thinking based on the Far Eastern model highlighted above…..

Look out of your window, am I standing there?

If you’ve ever let your pooch take a dump anywhere in the South East of England without cleaning it up and one night you see a strange ghostly figure hanging about smiling intentionally holding a machete and with a napkin stuffed in his collar, perhaps just shortly before you take ‘Trigger’ or ‘Cadbury’ for a walk, be afraid, be very afraid. I won’t be after Man’s best friend, I’ll be after man’s best friend’s best friend – YOU.

Alternatively, you may one day look out of your lace curtains to see a fat fully grown man, trousers around his ankles merrily shitting all over your children!

I know that sounds truly awful doesn’t it, but think for a moment, frankly speaking the person who let his hound shit in the woods where my son and I got covered did what amounted to being precisely the same thing.

HOW TRULY DISGUSTING IS THAT?

Poo, it's no Joke!!!

POSTSCRIPT

Shortly after completing this piece I was visiting a few dog related message boards when I spotted this reply to someone’s query about ‘itchy dog ass’ and tummy upsets in the family and potential transferability to humans, I include it here as a warning to all.

There are many diseases animals have that can be passed to humans and vice versa.
Not sure about “tummy upset”.
Itchy bottoms can be caused by impacted anal glands (these are on each side of the anus and excret a fluid to aid with pooping, some dogs need to have them manaully expelled.)
Aother cause is tapworms. These look like pieces of rice in the dogs stool. The worms come out at night and lay eggs around the anus opening, thus causing the itching.
Tap worm can be passed onto humans.
If you are concerned talk to your family dr., get your dog to a groomer for anal glands or you can do it yourself. Use a pair of rubber gloves and press/squeeze on the sides of the anus opening. If you do it correctly a thick brown foul smelling fluid will come out.

It’s just shows you…. wonders never cease, not content with carrying around tepid dog shit, humans are squeezing foul smelling liquid out of dog’s asses too.

Middle Class Chickens It’s Clucking Madness!

15 Oct

While in conversation with a friend recently I was reminded of a subject I’ve been meaning to discuss for sometime now, and that is the Urbanisation of Chickens, as driven by some warped notion by the Middle Classes that they have something to offer the world of Poultry .

Leave The Farming to Farmers!

Why the hell is everyone determined to keep a few Chickens? We don’t live in  Wartime or Austerity Britain and you soppy bastards that keep the things in your gardens won’t actually eat them, because you just can’t stand the site of real . . . blood, and you made the fateful mistake of naming every last one some cute little name, and you just couldn’t chop off Mirabelle’s head, it just wouldn’t be right.

Waitrose’s carefully selected free range pre-packed thighs just aren’t as visually pleasing as having something stupid walking around the Veranda and off into the Ha-Ha, or up into Noah’s treehouse, or out into the lane where twats like me have to avoid running over your prized Bantams.

EGGS?

And it’s eggs eggs eggs eggs eggs all the way, as many eggs as you can possibly bloody eat, the guys at the office can possibly bloody eat and the local *Fox can possibly bloody eat as a side plate to your tasty and expensive Chickens.

(*note) Then again, you won’t find many country people sympathetic to that particular plight, there wouldn’t be so many Foxes in the countryside if muesli eating liberal ‘Urbanites’ hadn’t voted to ban **Fox hunting..

**(not that this author actually agrees with wasting 40 people’s time chasing down a Fox only to rip it to shreds while still alive. Much better to employ one man, one rifle and one 10pence bullet if it’s all really only just about keeping the vermin down and not impressing Sir Lady Stockton Mockton with your hair net and side-saddle and vicious disregard for moral decency) – now trot on.

Why Chickens?

Fuck knows but Hermione, Rufus and their kids, the twins Joshua and Claire here speak freely about their purchase of two Scots Dumpys, ‘Morag’ and ‘Catriona’, three Orpingtons – ‘Charlotte’, ”Chloe’ and ‘Millie’ and the later addition of ‘Simon’ their American Jersey Giant. Perhaps this candid interview will help to elucidate?

Rufus – ‘When we first moved into our little ‘pied a terre’ in Hackney, we were just up from the rough end of Bethnal Green above the wonderful little City Farm there and we visited every Sunday morning for our Latte, Machiato and Full English, not to mention the wonderful little organic Olives that they had at the Deli there in the cafe at the time, and we just adored the Chickens, just adored them.’

Hermione – ‘Yes and when we finally got our little place in the country for the weekends Rufus said, why don’t we get some Chickens for the kids, something to ground them in the ways of country living and connect them spiritually with the deep history of farming in the area, we all really wanted to connect with the soil that coursed through the veins of our ancestors, yunno, trying to keep a kind of ‘Chickensian’ England alive, whilst enjoying our little countryside retreat’.

Joshua – ‘I liked Chickens in the old days’ (Joshua is 14 going on 22 with an IQ of 34 and a Public School fee that puts three zeros on the end of his IQ’


Jersey Giant Chicks, but watch out they grow quick, and they shit EVERYWHERE!

Hermione – ‘When I talked to my Life Coach about our idea to keep Chickens she said that she thought it would be a good idea for me to explore my inner ‘Nurture Nature’ and Pagan Earth Mother through caring for Poultry. And that was that, decision made and we began to look for a suitable chicken supplier.

So we found this wonderful little place on the Web called Muddle Farm where the Chickens were kept in organically managed fields with a holistic approach to breeding and a lifestyle that seemed positive, and that really suited us.

We decided that we liked two wonderfully cheerful Scots Dumpys, I dont’ know if you know the breed, but they really do look Scottish too, which Rufus thought was wonderfully amusing, didn’t you darling?’


Scots Dumpys a costly mistake?

Rufus – ‘Yes yes my love and so we bought them, at the very reasonable price of £260 each and took them home, realising that we’d forgotten to buy a Coop, any feed, and the manual the man had told us about at Muddle Farm. So off we popped and came back with the most wonderful Coop and the Manual, all for the knockdown price of £975, we were so excited’.

Claire (14) – ‘Yes and then one of the poor Chickens got ill, we had to phone a Vet and the Vet said, that there was nothing he could do, but phone the RSPCA and have the people at Muddle Farm arrested. As a then 5 year old I was  terribly upset of course, but you see the man had told Mummy and Daddy that all Chickens went bald in the Summer and bleeding from the rear end was completely natural’.

Hermione – ‘Anyway that was just the start of our love affair with the Chickens, though I have to say we’ve learnt a lot as we’ve gone along and learnt a lot from attending the inquest too’.

Initially Hermione laughed when the Chickens started visiting the new Shaker designer Kitchen they'd had installed, until one of them shit itself in the Mushroom and Game Terrine.

Rufus – ‘Yes we have dear, we certainly have, and now we know a little bit more, we’ve worked out that it will only take, with the now one solo Scots Dumpy, the three Orpingtons and ‘Simon’, 47 years to re-coup our expenditure by eating the Eggs that they’re laying, though I have to say I’m getting a little bored with Omlettes and Souffle. Of course Hermione is the most wonderful cook.

Hermione – ‘Thank you darling. I do have to admit that it was a little hard at times cooking a Nigella ‘Peanut Butter and Duck Fat Pasta Dish for the Larger Lady’ with a beady eyed Avian staring you out from the darkness of the Pantry.

Later one of our local little ‘Country’ friends, a chappie who has a 2000 acre arable farm just up the lane, suggested we might cut our losses by eating one or two of them, but I know Rufus and I just couldn’t bear having to kill one, though the new man at Muddle farm did say he’d do it for us for the very reasonable sum of £250, so we are considering it, Joshua and Claire have been begging us to kill them for years’

Joshua – ‘They’re just so noisy don’t you know and I want to take their coop off to Glastonbury next year, it’s just so cool, much too good for those fucking Chickens, isn’t it Daddy’.

Rufus – ‘Yep!’

Perfect for Glastonbury Festival the new Chicken Palace from German manufacturers Bundt, comes with handy ashtrays and a sense of well being.

Dumb Ass Screwfix Screw Up

14 Oct

My dearest old  Dad just found this in the latest Screwfix Catalogue:

Idiots, next they'll be publishing a serving suggestion for Morgue attendants.

Recycling My Arse

14 Oct

It’s a Farce

No I’m not trying to find new uses for my buttocks, in fact I’m talking about the new recycling scheme as implemented in my area of luverly England. It’s a farce.

Every two weeks they take the Green Waste Bin, and likewise every two weeks they take the normal household waste away. Except I don’t know many people who keenly garden that would ever fill a green waste bin up every two weeks, in fact they are much more likely to compost their own waste and to burn any non compostable material. Thus their Green Waste Bin is left almost empty every two weeks while the Household Waste Bin is overflowing by the date of the bi-weekly pick up. Because, even after following the confusing instructions on filtering your household waste into umpteen categories and receptacles, the Household Waste Bin fills up every bloody week and needs emptying every bloody week.

This all means that though the vehicles picking up the waste are out weekly to us and others like us, the workload overall on a bi-weekly basis is less as we the householder strive to squash two weeks worth of material into a single Household Waste Bin that needs removing much more frequently than every two weeks.

It’s a scam by the local Council to reduce their costs

While we the people who pay for the service are engaged in working on their production line for them, cleaning waste and filtering it into different material streams before they even pick it up. Do they charge us less for helping them? And what financial reward do they get for selling the materials we help to re-cycle. Why don’t we the householder see a tangible reward for that?

Why is it that Industry are given the ‘Carrot and Stick’ approach by national and local government, with rewards for good behaviour and generous timescales allowed for implementation, while the public are expected to do it when they are told to, to not receive any tangible reward for doing so and are expected to do it in response to some loose notion that the birdies and the hedgerows and the ‘environment’ will be better off if we do.

Why are Nations like the USA allowed to get away with not signing up to agreements on pollution while the public are continuously made to feel the guilt and responsibility associated with caring for the planet?

I would question how much of it is currently truly re-cycled anyway, I expect that half of what we strive to separate out, with the best will in the world, gets thrown in landfill anyway; because yet again I have forgotten the strict instructions and put my Baked Bean Tins in with my Plastic Food Trays and the Brown Cardboard in the Paper Caddy even when I should have known that it’s only White Paper that goes in the Household Waste Caddy, and that the Brown Paper and Brown Cardboard goes in the Garden Waste, sorry no it doesn’t the Brown Paper goes in the Garden Waste Caddy and the Brown Cardboard goes in the actual Garden Waste Wheelie Bin. The other Cardboard, like Drinks Containers with Plastic Lids, now would that go in any Caddy or just in the Household Waste Wheelie Bin?

Fuck it I’ll phone ’em and ask.

‘Hello, is that Wealden District Council?’

‘Yes Sir, how may the Recycling Waste help line help you?’

‘Well I’m having trouble working out what the fuck to put in my bins and caddys, can you help?’

‘Certainly’ and there followed a lengthy explanation…

‘Well thanks, but you must be getting a lot of calls, because your instructions are like working out how to circumnavigate the Globe by Sea whilst in a feather hat!’

‘Actually Sir you are the first person to phone us since the service was implemented 3 weeks ago’

‘What, in the whole of Wealden’s area!’

‘Yes Sir’

‘Well thanks anyway, take it easy, bye’

‘Goodbye Sir’

 

Epilogue:

I’m left with the only conclusion I can come to, either I’m thicker than two short planks, or there are a lot of confused people out there throwing any old shit into any old bin, making the whole idea an absolute mockery of logic and sense and costing even more than the previous service could have, if indeed they are recycling the material, I have my doubts, would you fuck around with it?

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