Roger the Ozzie Builder

17 Jun

What a twat..

Roger is an Ozzie builder, that is to say for the uninitiated amongst you, an antipodean constructor of housing. He lives here in the U.K. where he is (mainly) a bricklayer… and he is a plonker, a nob end and a twat.

Basically Roger has been in to the store where I work a number of times complaining that the tape measure we sold him a year ago has ceased to work with little or no use.

He has to date had 4 tape measures and each one has been brought back looking as if it was the unluckiest piece of measuring equipment carried in the rucksack of the unluckiest, dirtiest and most negligent soldier at the battle of the Somme…who left it in his will to a grandson, who played football with it, left it to rust in a toilet cistern, that was then removed by a plumber, stamped on, beaten to death and given to fucking roger to bring back in to us…!!!!

I will here use a few well known words to describe how the ‘virtually unused’ to quote Roger tape measures returned to us over this annual period have looked… fucked, knackered, buggered, destroyed, ruined, and just for good measure, completely (not just plain) fucked (again…)

What an arse

Each time an equally stupid work colleague has given him a replacement and off he’s toddled to go and fuck another one up only to return it shortly thereafter with some pathetic excuse as to how, with little or no use, it has become (seemingly) altogether fucked all on it’s own. The last time he did this I was on the point of telling him to fuck off and die when a colleague stepped in only to give him a new one… moron that they were..

Anyway at this point Roger proceeded to tell all of us how he looks after his tools well and how maintaining them well is what he does, it’s his thing, the way he looks at life, tool care is important to him .. blah blah blah blah blah.. (not by the look of his effing tape measures he doesn’t), and he says to us how he’s had some of his tools for 30 years and is still using them and they’re as good as the day he bought them…

‘Yes’ I said openly and in front of the assembled shop, ‘of course your tools are in good condition, because you’ve fucking well returned them every year for a new one free of charge, and that chisel, brick bolster or hammer you’re holding isn’t thirty fucking years old, it’s the replacement for the replacement for the replacement that you bought 30 years ago for a tenth of what a new one would cost you now’ and I wanted to add ‘you freeloading Ozzie twat’!

Ozzie’s moan that the English are a bunch of whingeing pommes, but frankly I’d rather be a whinger than a fuckwit anyday.

Roger, you’re an areshole.


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