Haribo Sweets they’re Shit!

4 Nov

Halal Wummis - Kosher Kandy

Years ago you could get a quality sweet from your local store. It would probably have been manufactured by a local company, offering all the old faves: Lemon Drops, Barley Twists, Mint Imperials, Peanut Brittle, Chocolate Limes, Cough Candy, Toffees and Flying Saucers. They were hanging on to old traditions of teeth destroying confectionary creation par excellence when a crummy European upstart invaded their turf, took their towns, stole their stores and swarmed into their shops and somehow no one saw it coming, that company was – HARIBO.

Haribo Supergloboworlddom Ltd.

You only have to look at their website to realise that they’ve pretty much got sweeties sewn up Europe and USA wide with the site being offered in 22 different languages, …. that’s some pretty heavy sweet candy’assed action.

Read what they have to say about their own operation:

In addition to five production works in Germany, today HARIBO has 13 other factories in Europe. There are also sales offices in almost every European country and in the USA.

‘Borders do not Hem in Haribo products’, that’s a bit aggressive isn’t it?

Borders do not hem in HARIBO products. Nowadays they enjoy growing popularity throughout the world. HARIBO currently exports to more than 105 countries all over the globe. Whether you’re in the Falkland Islands or the Philippines, the HARIBO products like Goldbears & Liquorice Wheels are loved by kids and grown-ups in most of the world.

Pocket Money

I think most 30-80 year old somethings in the UK have counted our pocket-money on a Friday or Saturday morning as we walked to the corner shop for some serious sugar addicts hyper buzz tongue and tooth trashing sherbet, or some lung saving broken sweet cigarettes.

Where have the real sweets gone?

Gone but not forgotten

The real sweets have gone the way of a good deal else that was once wonderful and of quality character that England had to offer; namely down the crapper as cheap mass-produced tasteless plastic crap made in some far away European state out of a Chemical plant’s left over potato starch and petroleum bi-produced effluent invaded our sacred and spiritually significant high altars to indulgence, the sweet shops and corner shops of jolly England.

How and Why?

It’s simple, the answer is –  money, gravy, greenbacks, the mighty moolah. This tasteless shite is quite simply cheaper to buy than our old traditional local or nationally made sweet. The old stalwarts of the sweet shop, Mrs Miggins or old Mr Jacobson have long gone and frankly these days new owners just don’t seem to care about a quality sweet and little Jimmy’s happiness. They’re probably making too much money out of ‘the kids’ on fags and the cheap cider they stock. Or perhaps there are just bigger money spinners to be had from offering another shelf of Porn, rather than the bulky sweet jars that once took the place of Asian Babes magazine.

Let’s face it, they taste shit

Of course Haribo offers a number of interesting an innovative products, like Halal Wummis and Gold Bears and Haribo’s Slovenian Capsulas. But let’s face it, next to real sweets they’re tasteless rubbish, bland and boring, they’re chewy, but not in a good way, more in a ‘is this actually rubber’ way. And they don’t do the basic standard stuff well either. Compare their Licorice and their Marshmallows to other better known brands like Bassetts and you will immediately know that corners are being cut and that the English palette isn’t being catered for.

Somewhere along the line the Belgian taste for a milder marshmallow got in the way of our own nations enjoyment. Why? Because you can’t be all things to all people and because today, in the present, Haribo is about all you can get; it’s everywhere and it’s not worth a jot. Haribo is trying to satisfy too large a sweet munching community and has lost track of the quirky local, or even national market. These guys are focussed on world domination, not on the individually styled taste buds of South East England, or North Yorkshire. It’s obvious, another man’s sweet is another man’s poison, bring back the local sweet maker, catering for local sweet tooth’s and local tastes.

You can get it if you really want…

You can still get a traditional sweet, but you have to travel to some epicentre of tourism and go through the ignominy of purchasing at a ‘destination’ sweet shop. Somewhere that offers floor to ceiling nostalgia and charges for it too!

No longer are sweet jars lining the shelves of British culture as an ongoing, living and growing cultural concern, instead they have been confined to the dusty shelf of ‘Heritage’. England is great at preserving heritage, it just isn’t so great at realising what it’s got when it’s actually got it.

Invasion

Perhaps we could have kept our wonderful sweets if we had only realised that Germany was invading again, this time in little garish packets of tasteless confectionary.

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4 Responses to “Haribo Sweets they’re Shit!”

  1. Jon November 4, 2010 at 4:55 pm #

    http://www.aquarterof.co.uk !!!

  2. Bert Grudgett November 4, 2010 at 9:22 pm #

    Your right mate, we fought them bloody Germans and beat um, but now they’ve got in under the net; it’s all Mercredes bends, bloody Bosch vashing machines and just about bloody Bocsh everything else, BMW this and BMW that, what was wrong with the Hillman Minx I ask you, good little motor if you had time to tinker a bit, 30,000 miles before you needed a re-bore, and as long as you kept the Jenolite handy it took a while for the rust to get through.
    Dads went down to Brighton manys the time with just a breather on Pyecombe Hill to cool it down a bit. Bert

  3. Hiram Goring November 4, 2010 at 9:34 pm #

    Our sveetys are wery best for kinders. Inferior British sveetys make brain soft and teeth yellow and zatts ze vay ve vill know you ven ve inwade next time. Blitz krieg of Haribos will come before first vave of superior germans.
    You disgusting English vill suffer for for nasty comments about out sveetys. Hiramm.

  4. covertoperator November 5, 2010 at 7:15 am #

    See Hiram, … don’t tell the Brits, I told em so, but I told em so!

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